One of the most intriguing documentaries that had its premiere at Berlinale 2024 was the Czech title I’m (Not) Everything I Want to Be, a film composed entirely of black and white photographs in a dynamic montage that resembles a photo novel. 

It’s the story of a fascinating artist, Libuše Jarcovjáková, who was only recently discovered, and spans many decades from the 60s to the present day durig which time Libuše obsessively documented almost every aspect of her life, capturing what was happening around and within her. Her life journey is composed of many personal chapters that see the artist travel and challenge herself in various settings and cultures, such as Tokyo and Berlin in the 80s. 

The filmmaker Klára Tasovská did a great job of weaving together thousands of snapshots from Libuše’s daily life, creating an intimate and sometimes extremely evocative narrative that brings to mind Chris Marker’s work.

In addition to photographs, the filmmaker had access to tens of thousands of diary pages that detail Libuše unique female perspective on gender, the female body, sex, relationships through an unusual photographic style that can be slightly disturbing at times but no less fascinating. Her style is not self-conscious, it is raw, the opposite of how people take photos on social media today. She does not seek beauty or glamour in her subjects, on the contrary, there’s often a touch of the grotesque. And she definitely does not follow classic conventions conducive to technically perfect photographs. In her own words: “If something surprises me, it’s the unorthodox visuality that I’ve never let anyone dissuade me from. And perhaps that’s what could resonate with today’s audiences”. 

Something that vividly captured my imagination and allowed me to time-travel several decades in the past, was Libuše’s Berlin chapter. 

The following interview taken on Monday the 19th of February 2024 at the Palast Lounge at Berlinale is mainly about the artist’s life in Berlin. Listening to this relentlessly captivating storyteller, I could almost see Libuše’s younger self getting off the train at Friedrichstraße and bravely venturing into the chaotic underbelly of West Berlin life…

Dana Knight: What are your very first images and memories of Berlin when you came here in 1985?

Libuše Jarcovjáková: I came to Berlin with the night train from Prague and I had no idea how it works with East Berlin so I got off at Friedrichstraße and I saw this huge row of people who were going to East Berlin, it was a lot of old people and pretty young people too. The seniors could go for one day to West Berlin, and also disabled people. I didn’t know about this, so I went through this row which was like a maize and suddenly I was in West Berlin. It was actually very difficult to tell East and West Berlin apart, but then I saw this kiosk with Western goods so I knew I arrived in West Berlin… I had only 8 Deutsche marks in my pocket and a small place where to sleep.

Dana Knight: How did you find a place to sleep?

Libuše Jarcovjáková: I had some friends who used to live in Berlin but because I had to wait for the papers, a process that took 2-3 years, they all moved away. My husband also moved to Hamburg. So at the beginning, I had some promise for a job from people who were living in Berlin, but after this period of waiting, suddenly, it was nothing, no job, only the possibility of having an apartment, thank God for that. 

And it was cold. And I had no money to buy tram tickets or get a coffee. The first apartment was in a very old and destroyed building in Bergmannstraße. It wasn’t a squat but almost like a squat. And suddenly I realised the economical level of West Berliners was lower than ours in Prague. At least judging by my flat, the lack of heating, I had the toilet in the corridor, only cold water. No devices like radio or TV. People were living very simple lives. 

But I told myself, “I didn’t come here for economical reasons”. Just that I saw an  absolutely other world, a different universe. 

Dana Knight:  You must have had certain expectations before coming to Berlin, how did that compare to the reality you found here?

Libuše Jarcovjáková:  At the beginning I was supposed to meet this group of people and have a job in Kino Yorck. But that was all gone, the waiting period was too long and they moved away, in India, Peru. So I didn’t really have any expectations and also I didn’t know where to start, where to find a job, how to make money, what I could do. 

Dana Knight: I remember from the film that you had just one contact person in Berlin. ..

Libuše Jarcovjáková: Yes and even that disappeared somehow. At the beginning I had one friend who worked as a cleaner in Kino Yorck and he drank a lot. So when he was drunk he would call me to ask if I could do his job, which would bring me something like 20 marks, enough to live for a few days. But I was happy I was here, I was happy I had this huge challenge. I had almost no German or spoke very bad German,  I had no connections, no friends, I was alone, no social background and I didn’t understand the system at all. 

Dana Knight: The film tells an incredible story, it makes one wonder how you managed to survive. Did you have the same impression when putting the film together?

Klára Tasovská: I had access to Libuše’s diaries, I read all the diaries she wrote throughout her life. The Berlin chapter, there were a lot of things there. When Libuše came to Berlin, she had a lot of thoughts, she wrote a lot, more than before. 

Libuše Jarcovjáková: Yes because I knew for sure I  wanted to have this experience but I did not know how hard it would be. 

Dana Knight: Yet you stayed for seven years, from 1985 to 1992. 

Libuše Jarcovjáková: Yes. The last two years I was always between Prague and Berlin but these 5 years were very intense, I learnt how to deal with Berlin step by step. At the end I had my own apartment in Bermannstr., I had a job, I had some money, I had friends, I spoke German at the end…

Dana Knight: Quite the success story…

Libuše Jarcovjáková:  The thing is I knew from the very beginning that this would be a process just for collecting experiences. I did not want to be here forever, I wanted to go somewhere to learn something hard, I wanted to have some challenges. Because living in Prague before was pretty easy. 

Dana Knight: You basically wanted to get out of your comfort zone…This is also reflected in your work, throughout the film there is a gradual progression of your style…

Klára Tasovská: I think so too.

Libuše Jarcovjáková: My plan was to document my life in Berlin. 

Dana Knight: How did you find the art world in Berlin in the 80s, did you feel more understood here?

Libuše Jarcovjáková: It’s also a question of money and self-confidence, and I had very low self-confidence at the beginning. I knew nobody, I did not have any contacts in the art world, I did not try any gallery. I saw some very important exhibitions here, for example Joseph Beuys at Martin Gropius Bau, I saw this exhibition five times! Also the exhibition of Robert Frank who for me was absolutely important. 

And I was very poor, if I wanted to go somewhere I had to walk there as I did not have money…it was a really hard experience. 

Dana Knight: Would you say your Berlin chapter was the toughest challenge you gave yourself?

Libuše Jarcovjáková: Yes, without a doubt. But it was really my choice, no one pushed me to do this. The first Christmas, I was here alone sitting in a cold apartment because I did not have money for coal. and I was thinking to myself, “Are you crazy, what have you done?” And then I had an accident…but this struggle brought me something new every month, I first learnt English and German in the streets, from TV.  Slowly I built a community of friends, people I was connected to. 

I had one very special experience, someone arranged for me an appointment with someone from the Berlin Senate for Culture. And I went to this meeting and showed the man my work. He told me something which I totally forgot for years. And then I discovered it in my diary. He said: “OK, it’s excellent work but I need to see something from Berlin”. When you have some new work from Berlin, come back and I’ll have a look at it”. But I only remember he refused my work and I forgot he gave me this opportunity to come again. I only remembered that he refused me, that was all I remembered. 

Dana Knight: Regarding the art world, you had other important meetings with curators in Tokio for instance and you made some pertinent and ironic remarks on this subject…

Libuše Jarcovjáková: Yes in Tokio I had some great opportunities to work for the fashion industry, I could build a career there. But it was in Tokio and I also did not want to be part of the fashion business. But in Berlin I did not even try, I only had this opportunity but I did not take it, I could have gone back in 3 months and shown him what I had done, maybe he would have changed his mind…

Dana Knight: How often have you returned to Berlin after 1992?

Libuše Jarcovjáková: After 2-3 years. Now I am coming regularly, at least three times per year. I am hoping to spend more time here, I am taking pictures. 

Dana Knight: You were called the Nan Goldin of the former Czechoslovakia, do you like that comparison?

Libuše Jarcovjáková: It doesn’t bother me but I only became familiar with her work ten years ago for the first time. 

Dana Knight: So you were not inspired by her work?

Libuše Jarcovjáková: I knew the name but did not know her work. But when I heard of this comparison, I checked a bit deeper what she is doing and I am not against this comparison. The thing is, we lived in the same period, we have the same age, it is only logical  that there are some similarities. But she had a completely different career, she was discovered when she was young, she had success from the beginning, she could show her work. But it’s no surprise for me that we had the same attitude and mindset. 

DK: Who would you say inspired you more?

Libuše Jarcovjáková:  I feel more connected with the Japanese photographer Daidō Moriyama who had an exhibition in Berlin a few months ago. His work is more raw and his visual style is more inspiring for me. Comparing my work to that of Nan Goldin is easy, but why not.